Ah, so is the English matriculation exam in the past. It went rather well, I'd say. But you can never know, I might have understood some of the texts completely wrong x)
Now I will concentrate on arts for a while. Next week school will take me down again, as I have a tough chemistry exam coming. I just need a little relaxing now - so I'm planning on new Photoshop-projects, paintings and drawings! So much to do, so little time. I also have plans of a bigger painting / spraypainting project, which I wanna do with a friend of mine. Arts is such a great way to spend time (together) <3
I'm a creative person they would say. But the fact is that I've had so little resources to do arts, to paint, to photoshop, to photograph and to draw. I've had time to plan, but no equipment required. And of course the environment had never been good for it until now. I'd love to be a game designer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IOlFErpr-8
^ This one is just brilliant, totally what I want to do! ^
You should check out the guy's website aswell, the link can be found in the description of the video. If you're interested, of course. It's my current dream, has been for a while already!
If you have ANY tips, relating to game designing, programs used, ideas etc, let me know X) I'll be more than happy to receive them!
maanantai 20. syyskuuta 2010
perjantai 17. syyskuuta 2010
Can't Wait for Winter
Finnish winterly, sparkling lanscape is one of my favourites. The others are, to mention few, a bird's-eye view of a big town, snowy cosmic scenes and autumnal forests when the sunlight peeps between the branches and treetops.
I mean, how beautiful is that not? I could stay in those two places for the rest of my life! Love the photos, no matter how edited they are. Yet I've been too unlucky to be able to take that kinds of shots myself or learn how to use Photoshop well enough to create my dream world.
torstai 16. syyskuuta 2010
Bottled Thinking
Before I met this one man I thought that people are helpless. No use trying to help out the depressed, the miserable or the ones failing. No one ever learns and one single person can't really do a thing in this society. But really, the more people think this way, the less people care for each other. Why couldn't this be reversed? The more people help and care, the more people come along. In theory it would be perfectly possible.
Because people tend to go by the majority. It's a fact. If you disagree, go think this world: how many times have you done something because your friend does it? I know many people who completely live like their relatives: they apply to the same schools, have same hobbies, same opinions about, for example, drinking, drugs and music, and all kinds of things present in their lives.
My erstwhile motives of helping people were, well say bitter. I did so much for everyone, just to bathe in the feeling of getting absolutely nothing back. And I never really did. I acted the therapist for my friends, used my multiple skills to make things better for the others. I even started doing their homework if they were too stressed, busy or tired. And what I learned was that gratitude is never innocent. People might tell you they''re grateful for what you've done for them and they appreciate your acts, but really it's just a way to make you happily do more things for them. Who wouldn't want to work for someone who constantly tells you how important you are to them?
Okay okay, I'm being way too negative. Of course there are people who really mean the appreciation and who whole-heartedly mean every 'thank you'. And who, in return, do something for you. Those people usually are the closest ones to you, while the 'pretenders' never care enough no matter what efforts you make to please them.
I really have too little time and too little space to write down everything I've come up with in this subject. Seriously. Maybe one day I will, or maybe I will edit this text sometime soon, but now I feel like showering, calling my friend and making dinner >.>
Because people tend to go by the majority. It's a fact. If you disagree, go think this world: how many times have you done something because your friend does it? I know many people who completely live like their relatives: they apply to the same schools, have same hobbies, same opinions about, for example, drinking, drugs and music, and all kinds of things present in their lives.
My erstwhile motives of helping people were, well say bitter. I did so much for everyone, just to bathe in the feeling of getting absolutely nothing back. And I never really did. I acted the therapist for my friends, used my multiple skills to make things better for the others. I even started doing their homework if they were too stressed, busy or tired. And what I learned was that gratitude is never innocent. People might tell you they''re grateful for what you've done for them and they appreciate your acts, but really it's just a way to make you happily do more things for them. Who wouldn't want to work for someone who constantly tells you how important you are to them?
Okay okay, I'm being way too negative. Of course there are people who really mean the appreciation and who whole-heartedly mean every 'thank you'. And who, in return, do something for you. Those people usually are the closest ones to you, while the 'pretenders' never care enough no matter what efforts you make to please them.
I really have too little time and too little space to write down everything I've come up with in this subject. Seriously. Maybe one day I will, or maybe I will edit this text sometime soon, but now I feel like showering, calling my friend and making dinner >.>
keskiviikko 15. syyskuuta 2010
Mind Blown
A fucking tough day! I overslept, and didn't go to school at all. So when I woke up, I had to do the laundry, send e-mails to my teachers and then go to work being very off-pissed. Plus upon waking up I realized that my back hurts. Hurts so badly that I cannot walk, stand, sit or even lay properly. No painkillers have yet helped, and I couldn't leave work any earlier as I was there alone today.
So I've been hiding in between my headphones all day.
Last night was odd. I was talking on the phone, and the guy made me talk about my feelings. It has always been way too hard for me.
Because, when I was about 10, my mom's new boyfriend moved in with us. He was a drunkard narcissist. Not at first, tho, but later on when months went by he started to drink heavily and he denied everything from me and my brother.
We weren't allowed to play videogames or watch tv, bring friends over, go to friends, we weren't allowed to stay in the same room with him or each other. We had very strict codes of conduct, strict homecoming times, and he quit my piano-hobby for me. We weren't allowed to show any signs of humanity; no crying, laughing, anger, happiness, we just had to be smart, grave-serious and quiet. I was punished for showing my feelings, so of course I created several ways to push them away.
Now that my stepfather hasn't lived with us for 3 years anymore, I start to let this habit go. But I'm struggling with it; for two years after he got thrown out I continued denying my feelings. I never complimented anyone much, never said 'I love you' to anyone tho I had 2 long and serious relationships. And I don't really belive that I can say that to anyone anytime soon; I still can't say some words aloud, for example 'to have a crush, to love, love' nor can I talk about love-like feelings with anyone really. I struggle, and I end up escaping from the situation. It's a hard thing to describe really..
But to go back to point. For the past year I've started to expose my feelings. I've let myself be mad and joyful, I've let myself have feelings for someone. I have let myself show someone I have feelings. It's a great progress I've made here, although I can't control my feelings much. I feel like 7 years of repressed happiness strikes right through me when I'm glad, 7 years of madness engulfs my usually very calm, non-violent self when something makes me angry and 7 years of displaced love fulfills me when I meet someone I let myself like. I'm slowly pushing away the fear of getting betrayed and punished. After 7 horrendous years.
One feeling I could never let go and abandon was sorrow. I went down with depression at the age of 11 when I started realizing what my stepfather was doing to us, and what simultaneously happened with my father. My father was a drunk too, and he married a woman who was to die due to cancer when I was 12. I started therapy, met a guy, fell in love for the first time, quit therapy. It was the happiest 18 months of my life until he left me for someone else. I re-attended therapy, and again I feel better. This time for real.
These things I've been twiddling in my head for the past few weeks, maybe even months. I don't know, my concept of time has gone pretty bad lately. Should probably get that fixed after becoming normal in feeling at the regular people's rate.
So I've been hiding in between my headphones all day.
Last night was odd. I was talking on the phone, and the guy made me talk about my feelings. It has always been way too hard for me.
Because, when I was about 10, my mom's new boyfriend moved in with us. He was a drunkard narcissist. Not at first, tho, but later on when months went by he started to drink heavily and he denied everything from me and my brother.
We weren't allowed to play videogames or watch tv, bring friends over, go to friends, we weren't allowed to stay in the same room with him or each other. We had very strict codes of conduct, strict homecoming times, and he quit my piano-hobby for me. We weren't allowed to show any signs of humanity; no crying, laughing, anger, happiness, we just had to be smart, grave-serious and quiet. I was punished for showing my feelings, so of course I created several ways to push them away.
Now that my stepfather hasn't lived with us for 3 years anymore, I start to let this habit go. But I'm struggling with it; for two years after he got thrown out I continued denying my feelings. I never complimented anyone much, never said 'I love you' to anyone tho I had 2 long and serious relationships. And I don't really belive that I can say that to anyone anytime soon; I still can't say some words aloud, for example 'to have a crush, to love, love' nor can I talk about love-like feelings with anyone really. I struggle, and I end up escaping from the situation. It's a hard thing to describe really..
But to go back to point. For the past year I've started to expose my feelings. I've let myself be mad and joyful, I've let myself have feelings for someone. I have let myself show someone I have feelings. It's a great progress I've made here, although I can't control my feelings much. I feel like 7 years of repressed happiness strikes right through me when I'm glad, 7 years of madness engulfs my usually very calm, non-violent self when something makes me angry and 7 years of displaced love fulfills me when I meet someone I let myself like. I'm slowly pushing away the fear of getting betrayed and punished. After 7 horrendous years.
One feeling I could never let go and abandon was sorrow. I went down with depression at the age of 11 when I started realizing what my stepfather was doing to us, and what simultaneously happened with my father. My father was a drunk too, and he married a woman who was to die due to cancer when I was 12. I started therapy, met a guy, fell in love for the first time, quit therapy. It was the happiest 18 months of my life until he left me for someone else. I re-attended therapy, and again I feel better. This time for real.
These things I've been twiddling in my head for the past few weeks, maybe even months. I don't know, my concept of time has gone pretty bad lately. Should probably get that fixed after becoming normal in feeling at the regular people's rate.
tiistai 14. syyskuuta 2010
Exercising
Playing flashgames that have something to do with English is a great method of studying the language. At least that's what I like to do. Nope, the traditional study-the-book -revising isn't for me.
I prefere working intensively for long periods of time without having to stop. Not for any reason; therefore I tend to play those games, study the books and articles or write stories and draw for hours and hours with no food or any kind of rest. I'm just not able to do a little something on one day, and something more on the other. If I stop for a while, I most likely won't continue. This is partly the reason I moved away from home at such young age; I have many siblings, the youngest is 3, and mum has 4 dogs, I just couldn't study, do arts or practice music without constantly getting distracted. I had no possibilities to work the way I work the best.
Internet is also a wonderful tool when you need to study. I don't know what I'd do without Google, Wikipedia and such sites! It's an endless source of information, but only good if you are able to spot the correct and useful info amongst all the false news and futile statements. It should be easy if you have a good basic knowledge. The less you know about the subject, the more you should study from the books and from sources, where its very certain that the information written there is correct, and the validity can be verified.
Now, if you excuse me, I will have to go and do the laundry -.-
I prefere working intensively for long periods of time without having to stop. Not for any reason; therefore I tend to play those games, study the books and articles or write stories and draw for hours and hours with no food or any kind of rest. I'm just not able to do a little something on one day, and something more on the other. If I stop for a while, I most likely won't continue. This is partly the reason I moved away from home at such young age; I have many siblings, the youngest is 3, and mum has 4 dogs, I just couldn't study, do arts or practice music without constantly getting distracted. I had no possibilities to work the way I work the best.
Internet is also a wonderful tool when you need to study. I don't know what I'd do without Google, Wikipedia and such sites! It's an endless source of information, but only good if you are able to spot the correct and useful info amongst all the false news and futile statements. It should be easy if you have a good basic knowledge. The less you know about the subject, the more you should study from the books and from sources, where its very certain that the information written there is correct, and the validity can be verified.
Now, if you excuse me, I will have to go and do the laundry -.-
maanantai 13. syyskuuta 2010
The Beginning
Started off as a blogger. The cause? I am bored, out of my mind. Trying to improve my language skills, to expand my something-something. This seemed like a good way to do it. Also this would be my way to 'release aggressions' or whatever. But let's continue with, if you wish, introducing me to you dear strays.
I am, more or less, an adult. My appearance tells you nothing like that; I'm skinny, a bit of a rocker-type. I'm pale, I have dark eyes and black hair. I wear old, a bit ripped light blue jeans and hoodies big enough for a grown man. Average height, which I'm happy about. I'm too short to become a pilot, I've always wanted to become a pilot, but tall enough to reach things. Like the stars.
I'm pretty artistic, I like drawing things. And painting, as well as digital arts; photographing and photoshopping. I also build miniature models of all kinds of things sometimes. When I'm around people, I prefere to stay aside and just be on the watch! Yet I'm not very observant what it comes to spotting certain people in the crowd. When I look someone in the eyes, I'm probably not listening to what they say, but registering all the shadows and other interesting external details on their face. Then I'm thinking how I could draw them. It's pretty fun, certain people look very very interesting to me, because of how they look. I tend to stare at people, I admit, but not that I'd be rude or they'd look somehow stupid, but because I'm interested.
I constantly analyze things that happen to me and around me. And myself, of course. I'm very self-conscious, a bad habit of mine. In this blog I contemplate my world, the people in it, what they do and what they say. Practically nothing really interesting here, if you aren't interested in philosophical way of seeings things. Blö.
I am, more or less, an adult. My appearance tells you nothing like that; I'm skinny, a bit of a rocker-type. I'm pale, I have dark eyes and black hair. I wear old, a bit ripped light blue jeans and hoodies big enough for a grown man. Average height, which I'm happy about. I'm too short to become a pilot, I've always wanted to become a pilot, but tall enough to reach things. Like the stars.
I'm pretty artistic, I like drawing things. And painting, as well as digital arts; photographing and photoshopping. I also build miniature models of all kinds of things sometimes. When I'm around people, I prefere to stay aside and just be on the watch! Yet I'm not very observant what it comes to spotting certain people in the crowd. When I look someone in the eyes, I'm probably not listening to what they say, but registering all the shadows and other interesting external details on their face. Then I'm thinking how I could draw them. It's pretty fun, certain people look very very interesting to me, because of how they look. I tend to stare at people, I admit, but not that I'd be rude or they'd look somehow stupid, but because I'm interested.
I constantly analyze things that happen to me and around me. And myself, of course. I'm very self-conscious, a bad habit of mine. In this blog I contemplate my world, the people in it, what they do and what they say. Practically nothing really interesting here, if you aren't interested in philosophical way of seeings things. Blö.
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