A fucking tough day! I overslept, and didn't go to school at all. So when I woke up, I had to do the laundry, send e-mails to my teachers and then go to work being very off-pissed. Plus upon waking up I realized that my back hurts. Hurts so badly that I cannot walk, stand, sit or even lay properly. No painkillers have yet helped, and I couldn't leave work any earlier as I was there alone today.
So I've been hiding in between my headphones all day.
Last night was odd. I was talking on the phone, and the guy made me talk about my feelings. It has always been way too hard for me.
Because, when I was about 10, my mom's new boyfriend moved in with us. He was a drunkard narcissist. Not at first, tho, but later on when months went by he started to drink heavily and he denied everything from me and my brother.
We weren't allowed to play videogames or watch tv, bring friends over, go to friends, we weren't allowed to stay in the same room with him or each other. We had very strict codes of conduct, strict homecoming times, and he quit my piano-hobby for me. We weren't allowed to show any signs of humanity; no crying, laughing, anger, happiness, we just had to be smart, grave-serious and quiet. I was punished for showing my feelings, so of course I created several ways to push them away.
Now that my stepfather hasn't lived with us for 3 years anymore, I start to let this habit go. But I'm struggling with it; for two years after he got thrown out I continued denying my feelings. I never complimented anyone much, never said 'I love you' to anyone tho I had 2 long and serious relationships. And I don't really belive that I can say that to anyone anytime soon; I still can't say some words aloud, for example 'to have a crush, to love, love' nor can I talk about love-like feelings with anyone really. I struggle, and I end up escaping from the situation. It's a hard thing to describe really..
But to go back to point. For the past year I've started to expose my feelings. I've let myself be mad and joyful, I've let myself have feelings for someone. I have let myself show someone I have feelings. It's a great progress I've made here, although I can't control my feelings much. I feel like 7 years of repressed happiness strikes right through me when I'm glad, 7 years of madness engulfs my usually very calm, non-violent self when something makes me angry and 7 years of displaced love fulfills me when I meet someone I let myself like. I'm slowly pushing away the fear of getting betrayed and punished. After 7 horrendous years.
One feeling I could never let go and abandon was sorrow. I went down with depression at the age of 11 when I started realizing what my stepfather was doing to us, and what simultaneously happened with my father. My father was a drunk too, and he married a woman who was to die due to cancer when I was 12. I started therapy, met a guy, fell in love for the first time, quit therapy. It was the happiest 18 months of my life until he left me for someone else. I re-attended therapy, and again I feel better. This time for real.
These things I've been twiddling in my head for the past few weeks, maybe even months. I don't know, my concept of time has gone pretty bad lately. Should probably get that fixed after becoming normal in feeling at the regular people's rate.
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